Incest is Bad, Mmkay?

Brother from another mother? Sister from another mister? Please, in the manga world, that means those characters are half-siblings. There's just something about sharing the same womb (or the same man sack) that sends the reader's mind into a frenzy. And authors take advantage of that.

"On weekends we set up a skybox for our bedtime adventures."

I don't condone incest, but I sure read the hell out of it. The taboo nature of the relationship is hard to resist. I get a kick out of watching siblings simmer in their angst, wondering why fate has brought them together like this only to rip them apart with blood ties. You may say that I'm a sadist, but I'm not the only one. (I'm so sorry John Lennon for twisting your beautiful words.)

And after I've had enough of the angst burger, that's when the "you've got to be kidding me" kicks in.

Why is the brother such a psycho?

The Reject Station

When Sylphalchemist and I started this blog, I told her, "I just hope Fucking Shoujo lasts longer than milk." We laughed. The "Haha It's not going to last that long" laugh.

Male lead's just Clark on super red kryptonite.

And now it's been two months and I feel like a giddy fourteen year old who reached the two month mark since stalking her celebrity crush. Like my ten year crush on Tom Welling, male lead of Smallville. Dude dropped off the face of the earth after the show ended. Strange that his old love interest is on a new show without him.

But anyway, I've been brainstorming new ways to keep this blog alive since most of the manga I've reviewed were series that I read a long time ago.

Sylphalchemist: Read more manga.
Me: I think I'm growing too old for this shit shoujo.
Sylphalchemist: How dare you insult the majestic rainbow kawaii desu wonder that is shoujo. Naoko Takeuchi, author of Sailor Moon, would be ashamed of you! You should be in Moon Prism--Prison! Yeah! What say you, dreamless troll! [This part may or may have not been made up. I have a problem with mixing up real life experiences with fiction.]

How to Lose Fans and Alienate Readers

I'm going to take a break from the usual format (introduction, one or two manga examples of topic, 'desperate attempt to wrap things up' conclusion) to write about my frustrations about something that is supposed to take my mind away from the crappy facts of life.

I depend on the internet to numb my brain. Manga is one sedative that I'm used to. But every now and then, a series comes by and riddles my brain full of holes like a drive by shooting.

And I get angry. But I usually put down the book or rather close the window. I don't have to read it.

Just like I didn't have to screen cap Anya's eyes open for this pic.

What frustrates me the most are the series who lure me into loving them. I accept them into my home, let their pages catch my tears on the days when I'm upset, and share them with my friends, only for them to betray me in the end with filler chapters and confusing plot twists.

I understand when television shows do that--they have a staff of writers. They have to collaborate, and each writer has their own style. The writers also have to write characters in or out of a series based on the actor's contract.

However, books, manga written by one author doing that? I'm already sharpening my pitchfork.

But since I love my expensive laptop, and I don't live on a farm, instead I'm going to compose a list of the top three ways to lose fans and alienate readers.

The Top Three Ways to Lose Fans and Alienate Readers

1. Confuse the reader (ex. absurd plot twists, drastic changes in character)
2. Go on a hiatus
3. Have your plot move at an excruciating pace

Girl Please, He Deserves to be Alone

I apologize for the delay. Life outside the internet demands that you have to put on your pants in the morning. So thank you random readers for coming by this blog. Namely, people who accidentally click on this blog, Sylphalchemist's followers from her way more popular blog, Shoutbox people from The Way to Your Heart, and Fucking Shoujo's one follower (I love you by the way). You all are awesome.

I was going to cover one shots in this entry, but they're rather silly compared to Sylphalchemist's posts. Apparently horror manga guarantees using your brain as a Rubik's cube by the end of the chapter.

"Nah, people still think it's just dirt on their computer screens."

So I'll leave it to her to find the really weird one shots. Or until I find a one shot worthy of a K.O.

And now to this entry's topic: women who end up with men who abuse them.

Viscous’s Red Doll (WTF Shojo One Shot)

Hello all! Sylphalchemist here with my second post! Originally, I had planned on posting about a crazy shojo one-shot I read concerning an alien police officer and his side-kick G-String (yeah, his nickname when translated means “Thong.” “Banana Hammock.” “Buttfloss.” Yup…………….) but then I read Viscous’s Red Doll and changed my mind. Viscous’s Red Doll is more fucked up. Now, I have no idea if “Viscous” is the right translation. It could also be like…Viskeysous or Viskous. But since the author didn’t give me the English equivalent, I’m sticking to my biology roots and using “Viscous” as our main hero’s name.

However, in my summary, I’m calling him Bonerfart so it doesn’t matter xD

Originally published in Aka Lala.
Manga-ka: Ichinose Kaoru (Cree, this lady should be very familiar to you. You’ve read one of her one-shots…involving ghosts and violins)

Note: If you're a fan of this one-shot or this manga-ka, please don't read my post x3

Note II: Viscous’s Red Doll was a pretty hefty one-shot in terms of page count. Thus my post is...a bit long. Just giving you all a warning a head of time!

Reverse Harems

First of all, I want to take the time to acknowledge a comment made concerning this blog. I found this piece of work written on Skype while I was away.

Well played, my friend, well played.

Yes, one of my friends was advertising this blog (thank you so much by the way), and I get this attitude. Come back when it's same haired zombie lesbians. The nerve.

And one of the first links in my Google search (other than vast amounts of hentai) was this:

Warning: This video contains female to female action. Avert your eyes, innocent children.

I don't know if they're zombies, but they almost have the same hairstyle. Got the girl on girl action down. That should be good enough. Unless he was talking about rotting zombie girl on girl action. You're on your own there, buddy.

And while I was snooping around zombie anime, I found this as well:

Oh anime, I barely watch you anymore but you always make me laugh with your ridiculousness. (Make no mistake--that's his arm in his pants.)

Okay, reverse harems. I love the thought of having a bunch of good-looking men chase after me. So I can understand women who want to live vicariously through the female protagonist. I am one of them.

Twelve Year Olds and Smut

So I usually read my manga online because I'm a cheapskate college student unlike my dear friend, sylphalchemist, who buys her books to review, takes the pictures herself, and translates them (yeah she's a badass). And I find I don't really pay attention to the tags attached to Shoujo. Out of all the past manga I've reviewed, only Crush on You was tagged with Shounen Ai. Apparently I have the instincts of a BL hound dog. I sniff that shit out.

I sat down, pondering what manga I've read that doesn't have BL, and I realized that the most ridiculous ones that belong to this blog are the ones that do. This does not include crossdressing heroines with mistaken BL, the gay side characters, and BL-centric shoujos. There's just something about merging heroines with BL that turns it into a sixty minute awkward pause where you try to stop, but you can't because like a common bystander, you want to watch that train wreak hit the wall.

Renai Shinjuu is one such manga. I read it earlier this year probably while waiting for a friend (the kind who you've hung out with but haven't fully let out all your inner nerd). And it was bad. That friendship didn't last long. Oh and manga was terrible.

Same Face Syndrome

I would say 99.999% of manga suffer from Same Face Syndrome. It's an epidemic that will never be rectified because artists are lazy. But it's not their fault. Why draw something that most readers won't give a crap about? With the world so ADD nowadays, readers take what, ten, fifteen seconds to look at a page? It's less time consuming to swap your characters' hair like wigs.

"You guys, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis here. Can somebody draw themselves a mustache?"

What amazes me is everything else is fine. Beautiful even. The backgrounds are detailed down to every shaded window, the animals are drawn to near perfect anatomy, and if the elderly aren't regular faces with a line underneath each eye, they've got all the wrinkles and sagging skin. So the artist is capable of drawing diverse faces other than different combinations of eyes and eyebrows. What boggles my mind is when the artist chooses to make their main cast practically the same. Who cares about background characters and throwaway characters, but the main cast?

Vampires are the New Crocs

Vampires. I feel sad that I will now forever associate the word with a book that shall not be named. My childhood's screaming at me. Vampires are no longer presented as pure blood lusting creatures of the night, with an appearance cursed by God's almighty foot. No, they're now fancy Frenchmen and a five year old's craft projects.

"This is the last time I get wasted in the morgue."

The only thing that comforts me are the parodies. And okay, I don't mind so much that authors have written them as attractive people with 'otherworldly beauty'. But they've added so much high school level drama, which doesn't make any sense because these vampires are supposedly 145 years old, give or take a few decades. Makes me want to slap all the teenagers (and middle aged ladies) tattooing themselves with their favorite quotes they found on Facebook and scream, "You! This all your fault!" But hey, that's what teenagers love and I don't blame the writers for wanting to rake in some cash to pay the rent (and buy a mansion or two).

BL and Shoujo are like Ketchup and Jam

They don't really go well together. I wouldn't know though. I've never had ketchup and jam together on anything. It's like a forbidden union between vegetable and fruit (though tomato is also a fruit).

Okay, BL (or boys' love) and Shoujo are like ketchup and a piece of bread when you're trying to make a sandwich. You've got to have some good stuff in between to make that shit work. And some authors try to sneak a hot dog in between some buns. I'm not talking about men bumping genitalia in shoujo either. That's when you know the manga's clearly mislabeled.

But usually when the author tries to write BL in Shoujo, I find the comic falls into three categories:

• To give a character a fucked up past.
• To write an absurd fucked up plot.
• Lawl, there are no female love interests in here. And if there are, they stand no chance.

In my history of reading manga, I've only read one manga that blends BL and Shoujo well. When an author pulls it off, it's like drinking coffee without worrying about the jitters later. Or that somebody laced it with crack.

Tomo's Scary Story! (WTF Shojo One-shot)

(Cree, you have no idea how much this pleases me. Fucking Shojo is live. It is real. My inner nerd has just wet herself in joy. My face Cree. If only you could have seen it when I saw your post <3)

(PS. May this blog last longer than our LJs… xD)

Hello all!

Sylphalchemist here! I’m the second blogger on Fucking Shojo! 8D I will from time to time post about random wtf shojos I have encountered during my incredibly slow and frustrating journey TO LEARN JAPANESE! My contributions will usually be in the form of one-shots I’ve read that made me look up from my magazines in surprise and go, wtf is this shit!? щ(ಠ益ಠщ) What kind of life lessons is this manga-ka trying to teach the young girls of Japan!?

My dog: ಠ_ಠ *stares at me as if saying stfu and let me sleep*

I’ve read a lot of random ass oneshots as my friend Cree here will attest to. From boyfriends that move back into the apartment their dead girlfriends were murdered in (and think nothing wrong of that) to girls trapped in a time loop where every day is the same day until they're suddenly attacked by hairballs in Forever 21 designer vests to even crazy orphans who hang their friend’s corpse from a tree and walk off into the sunset singing while wearing the clothes said friend was murdered in, you’d think I’d have seen it all. But no. This is why I love reading shojo  – there’s always another one out there that’ll make you go wtf!? (especially the Korean ones)

My pathetic introductions done, it’s time we focus on the main topic of this blog – wtf shojos. My post will feature the one-shot Tomo no Kowai-Hanashi (友のこわいはなし) or "Tomo’s Scary Story" found in the September issue of "The Hana to Yume."

Now, you’d think with a title such as “Tomo’s Scary Story,” the main premise would be about a spooooooooooooky Halloween themed story aimed at audiences under 7. In fact, most would think ain’t nothing wtf gonna happen in this shojo. And also look at the cover page. What is scary about that? It’s just two chicks clinging to each other in their nighties. Because that’s totally what my friends and I do when we sleepover at each others house. Nothing could go wrong, right?

Right?

ಠ_ಠ

The one-shot starts with the following sentence:

“Tomo…do you know about ‘the man underneath the bed?’”

And I should have stopped there.

This is Tomo. Our protagonist. Yeah, she's got some man hands going on but don't let them fool you. You can always tell a shojo heroine by the amount of space her eyes take up on her face :)

Tomo looks at her friend like she just shot a baby out of her mouth. The hell you talking about, best friend? ಠ_ಠ Seeing as they have time to kill before class starts, the friend tells Tomo the story behind “the man underneath the bed.” Whooooooooooo. The tale starts with two students. One left something of his at the other’s place and went to retrieve said item. I guess his friend must not believe in locking his doors because the boy goes right in without any problems (and I guess the boy himself doesn’t believe in knocking on the front door to gain entrance to his friend’s place because…why knock when the door is unlocked?). Turns out his friend had retired early for the evening so it’s all dark inside the apartment. The boy thinks to turn the lights on before he looks for his forgotten goods but decides not to because he doesn’t want to risk waking his friend (if I were that friend, I’d rather this guy turn the lights on and alert me to his presence rather than me rolling over and opening my eyes to find someone scuttling around in my fucking room). The boy finds his shit – pencil, porn, graham crackers, whatever it was that was so important he snuck into his friend’s place to get – and leaves. The next day he hears his friend was murdered (wtf ( ՞ਊ՞)). Found on the friend’s bedroom wall, written in his blood, were the words: “Thanks for not turning on the light.”

Turns out there was a psycho underneath the friend’s bed who I guess got in because THE FRIEND DOESN’T BELIEVE IN LOCKING HIS DAMN DOORS AT NIGHT and had been there when ol’ boy entered his friend’s place. Had the boy turned the lights on, he’d have seen the psycho because the psycho is like 2 feet longer than the bed or something stupid. Really, unless this guy was like, a fucking fat triangle and didn’t know how to bend his limbs, I don’t know how turning on the light would have caused the boy to see him. I can barely see anything under my own bed with the lights on.

…

*goes to check underneath my bed*

*fucking shojo*

Needless to say, Tomo pretty much shits herself in class. Her friend – Sayoko – laughs at her friend’s reaction. This is when Tomo starts to fangirl about how awesome Sayoko is. They met on the first day of college, when Tomo stopped to examine a blister she got from wearing her fuck me pumps (…who wears HEELS on the first day of class!?). Sayoko gave her a Band-Aid…but that’s not all she gave. She also gave Tomo the Neosporin of friendship (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ Since then, Tomo has been in hog heaven hanging with her super cool awesome chocolate sauce topped friend. Ain’t nothing going to ruin their friendship! Specially not that stupid story from the beginning of this one-shot! That’s irrelevant!

One day, Tomo is chillin in the streets when she bumps into Sayoko and some chick. Turns out the two are getting some drinks for Sayoko to down because she broke up with her boyfriend. When the other chick invites Tomo to join them, Sayoko explodes and tells the other chick that info she just blabbed was supposed to be kept between them.

Tomo: :(

Tomo is not a happy camper. Why would her super cool awesome chocolate sauce topped friend hide something this important from her? AREN’T THEY LIKE BFFs!?

Well, thankfully Tomo doesn’t dwell on the situation too long because she has the attention span of a turd. When she hears that Sayoko was cheated on by her man, she gets all levels of pissed. In her head, she thinks, damn, I’d shank that manslut for making my friend sad if I ever found him in a dark alleyway! She’s like…super cool awesome chocolate sauce topped! How do you cheat on chocolate!?

We time skip to the evening. The drinkfest over, Tomo and Sayoko head out from that chick’s house. However, Tomo suddenly realizes she forgot her phone and returns back to whatsherface’s place. She heads back and goes into the apartment (because that chick apparently doesn’t believe in locking her doors…). I didn't notice this the first time but apparently Tomo's phone somehow literally flies across the room and skids underneath the chick’s bed. The chick herself is asleep in the bed but she hasn’t woken up because 1.) Tomo hasn’t turned on the lights and 2.) she’s passed out drunk. That’s when Tomo’s mind decides to be a jackass and remind her of the “man underneath the bed” story. Determined to prove her brain otherwise, she looks under the bed and finds this:

ヽ(๏∀๏ )ﾉ

…wtf!?

Needless to say, Tomo’s ass is outta that apartment. She turns into Sonic the Hedgehog and fucking floors it. She passes Sayoko at the apartment’s door but keeps on going. It’s every bitch for herself.

(wow…way to not even save that chick's or Sayoko’s ass, girl!)

I’m not sure how it’s possible but the next panel shows Tomo and Sayoko are outside together despite the fact Tomo left Sayoko in her dust to deal with the dude under the bed . They’re in a park I believe. Kind of hard to tell. Basically, they’re in a desolate isolated area. Where screams cannot be heard…

Sayoko is trying to get Tomo to tell her what’s up but all Tomo can get out is OAUTAOJGVIUAHT;AJKHATOIJATGHAGH!!!! After blabbering for several moment, Tomo suddenly has a grasp on her English...er, Japanese again and asks for Sayoko’s phone (for she dropped hers in her haste to get her sweet ass outta the apartment). Then she starts to explain what is freaking her out as she claws at Sayoko’s bag for Sayoko’s phone – basically, there was a dude under whatsherface’s bed and they need to call the cops now because THERE’S A DUDE UNDER HER FUCKING BED! (like how it never crosses Tomo’s mind that she left her friend in a room with a strange man underneath her bed…) Sayoko doesn’t see the urgency. Rather, instead of joining the freak out, she tells Tomo to calm her tits.

Tomo: LIKE HELL I WILL! NOW GIVE ME THAT PHONE!

Again, Sayoko tells Tomo to calm down. It’s just her boyfriend down there.

( ꒪Д꒪)ノ what?

Geezus, Tomo. It's just my boyfriend sleeping underneath the bed of my female friend. What's so wrong about that?

See, it turns out that earlier, Sayoko followed her bf to whatsherface’s house and began to strangle him.

( ꒪Д꒪)ノ what?

In the midst of cutting off his oxygen supply, she tells him not to leave her ~ He dies but in Sayoko's mind he just fell asleep so she decided to let him nap under what'sherface's bed because she's crazy. Which would have been all good except for the fact Tomo found him…

Tomo – oblivious to her predicament – realizes Sayoko wanted to get whatsherface alone…thus the shit fit when whatsherface invited Tomo along. But what was Sayoko planning on doing once the two were alone? (･＜＞･) (really? You’re going to ask that when your friend just confessed to strangling her boyfriend and hiding his body under his new woman’s bed!?).
 

The rapist smile...you know shit's about to hit the fan when the rapist smile makes its appearance

Sayoko smiles and kicks Tomo in the chest. Then she pulls out a hatchet. Welp, bitch. I think you have bigger problems to worry about than whatsherface. Sayoko asks Tomo why she looked under the bed. Tomo responds that she bumped her phone (bumped!? Lady, that think FLEW) because it was dark and the phone went under the bed.

As Tomo stares at her friend, she thinks: “Sayoko…meeting you brought great joy to my life.”

Too bad she’s about to kill you. Really, Tomo? I think screaming and moving your ass outta there is probably a better strategic move than sitting on the ground and remembering about the good ol’ days you had with your murderer friend!

The story ends with Sayoko bringing her hatchet down on the paralyzed Tomo.

“Had you turned on the lights, you would have lived.”


THE END!

Anddddd, yeah...that's it. Not sure what the life lesson I was supposed to get out of this oneshot. Must have missed it because I was too busy going WTF!?

Seriously, (́◉◞౪◟◉‵) the fuq did I just read?

Fucking shojo xD

Models are people too. They just entice more peeping. (Oh gawd, my lame notevenapuns are a curse.)

I admit I'm shallow. I even have the saying, "If he ain't cute, he get the boot." Though to my credit, I'm not as shallow as I used to be. I'm starting to see people for their inner beauty, and realizing I'm aging at an alarming rate--but mostly for the inner beauty.

When it comes manga though, it better have some damn awesome art. Or at least tolerable art with damn awesome writing.

But I'm a "what the fuck" aficionado. And thus, my standards change sporadically. Sometimes, I like forcing myself to read, "Oh mah gawd, I love you even though we met five seconds ago when you saved me from falling into a train track," and "Okay, because you're the splitting image of my dead lover."

It's like doing homework. For entertainment. But not learning anything besides new ways I can lower my I.Q.

So here's to okay art and weird writing.

Fucking Shoujo Launches!

Hi there, fellow Shoujo reader! It has taken many years of ranting about all the crap Shoujo has to offer for my best friend to finally say, "Cree, you're fucking hilarious. Why don't you go blog it? [And STFU while you're at it.]" To which I said, "Haha, we should make a list of Shoujo then. TOGETHER."

And if I could see my dear friend's face then, I'd picture it would be a mixture of finding out you fathered (or in this case mothered) a one-legged horse and owning glue factory. What's a horse going to do with glue other than be stuck with it? (Terrible pun, I apologize.)

Anyway, allow me and my friend (who may or may not post some entries) to help wade through the crap with this blessed little blog facepalm'd into existence. Whether you're frustrated or curious (or some other feeling too strong to comprehend with mere adjectives), I do hope these entries amuse you almost as much as it pains me to create.

Without further ado, I will start off with the Shoujo responsible for it all, Steel Rose.