Fucking Shoujo Launches!

Hi there, fellow Shoujo reader! It has taken many years of ranting about all the crap Shoujo has to offer for my best friend to finally say, "Cree, you're fucking hilarious. Why don't you go blog it? [And STFU while you're at it.]" To which I said, "Haha, we should make a list of Shoujo then. TOGETHER."

And if I could see my dear friend's face then, I'd picture it would be a mixture of finding out you fathered (or in this case mothered) a one-legged horse and owning glue factory. What's a horse going to do with glue other than be stuck with it? (Terrible pun, I apologize.)

Anyway, allow me and my friend (who may or may not post some entries) to help wade through the crap with this blessed little blog facepalm'd into existence. Whether you're frustrated or curious (or some other feeling too strong to comprehend with mere adjectives), I do hope these entries amuse you almost as much as it pains me to create.

Without further ado, I will start off with the Shoujo responsible for it all, Steel Rose.

I started reading this manhua (it's a Chinese comic) a number of years ago and discovered it again last summer. I was in love with the premise: Taekwondo Olympic gold medalist and a wealthy, handsome European bachelor. Which I understood as--> The Adventures of Fighter Chick and Fabulous Fem-Man! My dreams were soon curb-stomped. 

Instead I read "The Adventures of She-Hulk and Masochist!" 

Louis, the poor typical 'can have any woman he wants' bishie, has become infatuated with Lee Le Ting after watching her Taekwondo matches on the telly. He wants to meet her. And he does--after she punches him.

A random woman gets mugged and because Louis decided to stay and comfort the woman as well as call the police, he gets mistaken as the robber.

Yeah, because clearly a robber would crouch next to their victims after mugging them. The sad part about this whole violent misunderstanding though--she never actually apologizes. Her cousin has to convince Le Ting to visit the man she sent to the hospital, and when she gets there, she basically throws flowers at him while he's 'sleeping'. Apparently, the only reason Le Ting goes is because they find out that guy she suckerpunched is the half-brother of her cousin's fiance. What a great way to meet the family.

Lawl, he mistook his brother for Le Ting. Everyone laugh at his tough love life ahead.

Little did I know that this page was a foreshadow to a bullshit plot point. I don't remember the majority of this story. I had to re-read the first few chapters to refresh my memory of all the stupidity. Louis's and Le Ting's romance is only cemented together because Louis turns out to be a clingy "I won't give up on mah lub" Shoujo girl who keeps shooting his love arrows at her until she's beaten down to accept him.

In other words, "This is the only way I can legally have you with me at all times."

Everything is running like the typical "love conquers all" romance--Le Ting learns not to punch Louis all the time because she likes him (or has discovered how fucking useless it is, either or). There's a chapter about one of Louis's childhood friends, Cloud, who's quirky because he likes dolls and makes Le Ting think Louis and Cloud were fighting over a girl when it's really a doll....after which the author then reveals "Lawl, j/k Charlotte's a real girl. This doll's just reminder of her". It's not until the end of the fourth volume where the author decides to shove Louis into the 'fucked up family' closet. 

Louis and Le Ting are on an errand run, getting things for Le Ting's cousin's and Louis's half-brother's wedding including the rings. The couple realize they are running short on time, and Le Ting suggests they cut through Central Park.

Louis: But it's dangerous at night time.

Le Ting: I don't give a shit.

-Not even a minute after stepping into the park-

Random Mugger with a gun: Give me them rings or I will shoot you in the motherfucking face with my pocket gun.

Le Ting: You're bluffing. *bullet scrapes by her face* Fuck you, I'm still not giving you the rings!

This encounter then escalates into a fight scene where Le Ting beats the crap out of the mugger. At which point the author decides to unleash a second mugger who jumps out of nowhere and smashes her from behind with a wooden bat.

Louis: Oh shit, must...walk...faster.

 Just when the second mugger's about to finish her off, Louis snaps out of his stupor and beats the thug with the thug's own bat. The adrenaline's pumping, and Louis is panting. Random Mugger Number 1 decides now's a good time to shoot him.

The next scene, they're at the hospital. Louis, in the operating room, Le Ting doing that whole, "Oh god, it's all my fault--No he shouldn't have listened to me--Please wake up, Louis--But he was so attractive when he tried to save me". Louis's half-brother, Le Ting's cousin, Louis's mom, and Louis's half-brother's mom show up so the doctor pops out and says, "So guys, uh, bad news, we don't have Louis's blood type because it's really, really special. Only blood from his father or a sibling can save him now (lol, screw everybody else including his mom; this is Shoujo!)"

Le Ting's immediately jumps on Louis's brother, "Dafuq you standing around for? Go donate your blood!"

Louis's brother: But I can't. I'm not related to him by blood. 

Le Ting: WHAT?

And so Louis's complicated family history gets unveiled. Louis's half-brother is actually his step-brother. Louis is the product of an affair; he and his mom aren't accepted by his biological dad's family; and they get taken in by another guy, his step-brother's father.

Le Ting: Okay, so where's the father?

Louis's mom: Oh he's sick. I don't think he can donate.

Le Ting: You gotta be shitting me. Siblings?

Louis's mom: Oh he's got a half-brother lives nearby. His name is Cloud.

Le Ting: THAT DUDE? 

Louis's mom: Lawl, yeah, but you're never going to get his blood. Cloud hates Louis. Stole his family and his love, Charlotte.

Long story short--Le Ting's "fuck you" attitude actually comes through, she gets Cloud to donate blood because she tricks him into thinking he'll see Charlotte again, Louis recovers.

Louis asking for a sponge bath...yeah I know.

A week later, Louis is fooling around with Le Ting, asking for a sponge bath. And by the grace of Shoujo, Cloud is being a creeper, standing outside the room when Le Ting discovers Louis has an old scar.

And guess who fucking also has that exact same scar.

Later, when everybody's taking a coffee break, Cloud sneaks into Louis's room to confirm this bullshit. And he has a few flashbacks about how he first met Charlotte. Louis wakes up to Cloud crying over him. Cloud demands the truth about Charlotte, and Louis confirms, "Yeah, Charlotte was me in a wig." 

 While Cloud's in shock over how much time he wasted chasing after a girl who turned out to be his cross-dressing brother, Louis has his own flashback about how this all happened. Apparently, his mom couldn't afford to hire a model for her clothing line, and thought, "Hey my son's girly enough. Why not him?"

Cloud meets Louis while he's still in drag, and when Cloud asks who this girl is, Louis's mom tells him, "Oh, my sister's daughter, Louis's cousin." There's a bit of a time skip where Louis asks, "How long do I have to pretend to be Charlotte? I don't like how Cloud looks at me."

Louis's mom: Oh just long enough so we can get your father's inheritance. Your father's sick so Cloud and his mom are in charge of the money.

Louis: But Mom, Cloud's nice to me.

Louis's mom: Only because he thinks Charlotte's your cousin. Don't worry. Once my shop takes off, you won't have to dress up as Charlotte anymore. There are no repercussions whatsoever. I'm sure Cloud won't blindly chase after your image years after you stop cross-dressing. Everything will be a-okay.

OH LE TING! Hurry, come help your boyfriend who's about to be raped by his own brother!

Le Ting: Hero to BL fangirls everywhere.

Are you fucking kidding me? After the Shoujo girl in me slapped my BL fangirl side to see reason, I just--NO. Unacceptable. I don't know if the author was trying to insert (pun unintended) some BL fanservice or wanted add something new to Shoujo, but the fact that the heroine didn't even intervene..it just made Le Ting one of the worst Shoujo female leads ever. "Oh but she was in shock." Bullshit.

Luckily, the author decided they didn't want to go full-out BL Cloud decides not to rape Louis. Le Ting comes back, and finally does something (though Cloud's already buttoning up his shirt by the time she gets back). Le Ting pulls Cloud up by his shirt, calling him a pervert instead of punching him which makes no fucking sense--how is it that she can punch Louis for misunderstandings, but sexual assault gets nothing? Cloud, psycho almost-rapist that he is, tries to justify what he did, saying, "Pervert? Louis is the one who likes to dress up as a woman to trick men. Now who's the pervert?"

So Le Ting lets him go and tells him to get out. Yeah. And then the assault gets treated as a joke.

Le Ting: the Greatest Expert in Sensitivity.

When Louis doesn't feel better about the assault, Le Ting offers the next best thing.

Indeed, nothing says, "I'm still a man" than attacking a woman. They make-out on the hospital bed for a few moments before Le Ting changes her mind and pushes him away. Le Ting spends the next two days hiding in her room, coming to terms about her feelings for Louis.

It took everything I had to not scream profanities into a balloon and send them to the author.

The bald-headed baby's supposed to be Louis.

The next few chapters, Louis and Le Ting are back to their shenanigans. And Louis gets a haircut to seem more manly to Le Ting. He also asks Le Ting to keep quiet about Cloud violating him.

And then Cloud comes back.

Cloud: Our father's getting weaker. You have to come back to Paris (they're in New York).

Louis: Okay.

Le Ting: I'm coming with you 'cuz I don't want Cloud taking advantage of you! (How I wanted to slap her.)

They check into a luxurious hotel in Paris, go shopping, tour the city. After some time, Le Ting finally asks "Dafuq are we doing? Aren't you supposed to be visiting your dad?" When Louis begins to look depressed, Le Ting has this terrible assumption that his dad's like Cloud.

No, Louis just feels awkward being around his dad because he feels like he stole his father away from Cloud. He's the favorite in the family. They visit his dad, find out more about his father's condition, and there are more Louis and Le Ting stupid moments that reinforce my need to smash my head against the keyboard.

And then the author drops this bomb--Louis's father knew what was going on between Cloud and Louis the entire time. But because he had an affair, he feels he has no right to tell Cloud to quit his shit. No, instead he trusts Le Ting to protect Louis in his place. Because she loves him.

 The rest of the chapter is spent on Le Ting angsting over her feelings for Louis. Louis and Le Ting go back to the hotel, get wasted, and almost have sex, but Louis decides not to take advantage of her while she's drunk so they just go to sleep. Louis wakes up early to visit his dad and runs into Cloud who wants to talk to him alone. Most people would run the fuck out of there, but not Louis. He's a man in love. So Cloud offers him some wine.

And yes, it is date rape drugged.

No, Cloud, in the real world, you'd go to jail.

Louis has a bad case of the stupids.

 Louis says something about wanting to trust Cloud again along the lines of "It was a test and you failed!", and manages to punch Cloud. He fights Cloud long enough until Le Ting comes to rescue him before the drugs knock him out. Louis's father finally puts his foot down, "Raping your brother is not kewl, son." And then the last time Cloud appears is near the end when he passes by Louis and Le Ting with a Louis look alike to which Le Ting responds, "Whelp, at least he ain't raping Louis."

The author spends the last two chapters with a plot about Le Ting going to the Olympics for TaeKwonDo, and I believe they have sex at some point. But the series ends with Louis and Le Ting playing with Louis's step-brother's and Le Ting's cousin's kids and taking a family photo.

"Oh gawd, Louis, what happened to your face?"

Credits: Mellylemon and Lila Wolves Scanlation Group hosted on MangaFox