Vampires are the New Crocs

Vampires. I feel sad that I will now forever associate the word with a book that shall not be named. My childhood's screaming at me. Vampires are no longer presented as pure blood lusting creatures of the night, with an appearance cursed by God's almighty foot. No, they're now fancy Frenchmen and a five year old's craft projects.

"This is the last time I get wasted in the morgue."

The only thing that comforts me are the parodies. And okay, I don't mind so much that authors have written them as attractive people with 'otherworldly beauty'. But they've added so much high school level drama, which doesn't make any sense because these vampires are supposedly 145 years old, give or take a few decades. Makes me want to slap all the teenagers (and middle aged ladies) tattooing themselves with their favorite quotes they found on Facebook and scream, "You! This all your fault!" But hey, that's what teenagers love and I don't blame the writers for wanting to rake in some cash to pay the rent (and buy a mansion or two).


Manga-wise, the only vampire series I thoroughly enjoyed was Hellsing. But that's not a Shoujo. I also loved reading Vampire Game. But I was twelve years old. I didn't care that the male lead was a vampire reincarnated into what appears to be Einstein kitty. Or that he falls in love with the fifteen year old descendant of the man who killed him. Or that in the end, she gets together with her much older bodyguard so when the vampire gets killed again, making me weep tiny twelve year old tears, he gets reincarnated as her son.

I even have this poster from Vampire Knight.

All because the male lead could transform into a hot guy with long silver hair.

Also read Model by Lee So Young (that's a fun name), but I don't really remember much except the main girl hires a vampire so she can draw him and that they end up together. And I don't feel like reading it again to give a proper review.

Vampire Knight has pretty art. Insanely beautiful art. And that's about it. Don't get me wrong, I was really into the series until I found out Yuki, the main character, was a vampire princess and that she's her vampire love interest's baby sister. And after finding out, her childhood friend love interest begins to hate her because he was forced to become a vampire by a ruthless monster who killed his whole family and so understandably, hates all vampires. (Don't get me started on the reappearance of a missing twin who later dies to save his vampire-hating brother.)

And now to the main event--Black Rose Alice.

Black Rose Alice is a beautiful abomination.

And I say that because the only elements this manga's vampires have that follow mythology are that they drink blood and can infect other people. They're like a different species, stamped with the label so people will read it. I love the author's creativity. But they aren't vampires.

Her vampires can walk in the sun. Big deal, so what? That's a new thing. Vampires don't have to worry about wearing sunscreen SPF a million.

They also get their blood by regurgitating bugs and insects, including whole tarantulas who collect the blood for them (maybe even while they're sleeping) then hop back into their mouths. And maybe sometimes they'll drink from the source. Yeah, that's cool.

Her vampires also aren't immortal. They die. They all die eventually.

This was when I folded my arms and laid my head on the desk quietly.

I thought the point of being a vampire is getting to terrorize people until the world ended (unless vampires can survive in space...like maybe have a to-go blood supply space rocket). Or in many stories, enduring loneliness and eternal solitude until a teenager walks across your Victorian mansion lawn.

No, not this manga. You get an x amount of years to live determined by how long it takes for the rose torn tattoo to fully wrap around your neck. Could be fifty years, could be a hundred. The lead male outlives one of his friends who was turned into a vampire decades after. Oh, and the best part--when they die, they turn into fucking trees.

"Yeah that's right, now you know why paper cuts you!"

All those butterflies you see? They go out to create a new vampires. Apparently, the vampires in this manga reproduce by sending their butterflies to infect the best corpses around. And as you can guess, to get those butterflies, they have to die first. But that's not all! These vampires have to reproduce like any other normal human being--by having sex.

And they only get to have sex once.

The newest craze in vampire mythology: the hundred year old virgin.

You don't have to be a virgin in the first place to be a vampire. The once only rule applies after you're turned. And every human who mates with a vampire turns into one. But because of this, the plot centers around getting laid and spreading their genes. The new vampires don't start looking like replicas of the original though. They simply develop bits of their sire's personality despite retaining their memories of their human selves, and maybe if they're as super special awesome as the male lead, inherit their sire's special abilities.

The first three chapters are set in Vienna, largest city in Austria, 1906. After those chapters, it switches to modern day Japan where we meet the female lead.

So quick summary of the first three chapters:

• It's Agnieszka's sixteenth birthday; her fiance, Theo, gives her a concealed dagger necklace in the shape of an angel.
• The male lead appears to serenade her with a song. Girls in the background are squealing, "Oh em gee, it's Dimitri!"



I wish it was this Dimitri. I'd jolly fat man dance with him with flowers in my hair too.

• We find out Dimitri's a famous singer going on tour. And that he's in love with Angieszka; he's known her since he was around sixteen years old (they have a ten year gap). But he was sold to his best friend, Theo's, family because he has a talent in singing. And because of his lineage, he can't marry her.

No sweetie, that's not how Shoujo works.

• But Theo's a playboy. The day after the party, Theo starts a casual conversation about how he deflowered Angieszka, and Dimitri gets angry because his friend's treating her like one of his mistresses.
• During his angry walk, Dimitri gets run over by horse and dies.
• A butterfly lands on him, and Dimitri wakes up in the hospital to a frantic best friend and his crying sweetheart; he's fine enough to go to his concert rehearsals later on.
• The next few pages depict a number of people who have committed suicide in various ways. Everyone who attended the rehearsal has died.
• Dimitri is beginning to be aware of his heightened senses. He finds a rose mark on the back of his neck.
• And some random guy named Maximilian calls out to Dimitri while he is walking down a street.

"But it's daylight and I'm not a nine year old boy."

•  During the ride in his carriage and at his house, Maximilian explains everything about their species.
  
  Dimitri: I listened to everything you said, even followed you to your house, learned a little bit about your personal life, but I still don't believe I'm a vampire. I R NORMAL. You can STFU, crazy homo sapien. Why don't you put the bottle on a higher shelf next time?
  
  Maximilian: When you sing a certain note, anybody who hears it has to surrender their life to you within twenty four hours. Not every vampire gets this super amazing gift. But your sire possessed it and now you do too.
  
  

  

  He should have done a hair flip to seal the deal.

  Dimitri: You, sir, have quite the imagination. And I shall go now before it spreads and ensnares me in its disease. Good day to you, sir.
  
  Maximilian: But I want to build a nest with you!
  
  Dimitri: Da faq you talking about?
  
  Maximilian: Other vampires will want to claim you as their master. I won't let anyone else have you.
  
  Dimitri: ...Don't worry, I won't follow strangers into shady vans carriages anymore.
  
  Maximilian: Oh btw, don't have sex with any women. Once vampires breed, they die. (Oh would you look at that. Great news, BL fangirls, gay sex it is!)

• Dimitri leaves, perhaps even rolling his eyes at how much smarter he is for wasting his time at a stranger's place listening to the man's crazy stories. And visits one of his casual flings at her apartment.
• And he tests his amazing so-called rare gift.
• She smiles and dives out of the window. He freaks the fuck out. Dimitri runs away, encounters his best friend who's got his arms over some ladies like the player he is, and winds up at a church.
• He decides, "Well, I'm an abomination to God. Might as well kill myself by having sex with my sweetheart." And he heads over to his best friend's place, demanding Theo give Agnieszka to him. (Dude, no. What the fuck, she's not a sex doll.)
• Theo gets angry. "The hell, man, you're a commoner and she's a nobleman's daughter. I'm not letting someone like you steal my fiancee. Snap out of it! Know your place! Gawsh, I hate it when I have to say things like this to you. Don't ever make me do it again."
• Dimitri has a deranged look come across his face. "Of course not. You won't ever have to. You will sacrifice yourself to me."
• Theo: Of course I will, Dimitri. Because I love you so much.
• Flashback of an opera director using Dimitri for sexual favors in exchange for parts in his play, and Theo rushing in to punch the pervert, telling the man not to look down on Dimitri because Dimitri is a fantastic singer and should have gotten the lead anyway.

Theo: 'Kay, thanks for nothing, asshole.

Why don't they ever run away?

• Dimitri starts crying but he still drinks the blood. (Guess he didn't want it to go to waste.) And he looks up to see Agnieszka has just witnessed her crush drinking up her fiance's blood like fine wine.
• He tries to rape her. Agnieszka looks over at Theo's dead body, asks God to forgive her, and kills herself with the dagger Theo gave her.
• Next scene, Dimitri's banging at Maximilian's door, begging him to save his beloved.
• Maximilian: But she has no soul.
• Dimitri: I don't care. This is an order.
• Maximilian: Gawddammit.
• Maximilian pulls out a hax blade which makes a human's body immortal. Her soul's gone but Dimitri can use her body for breeding. They decide to leave Vienna because of the shitstorm Dimitri has caused.

TO TOKYOOOOO! Herp-da-derp! (I just really wanted to use this pic.)

 Part II is blurry to me. But basically, Dimitri saves a music teacher's high school lover from death in exchange for her soul, which he then puts into Agnieszka's hollow corpse. And tells her, "Okay, your name's Alice now. And you're the queen of this vampire nest. You have to pick one of us to mate with based on who you think would produce the best offspring." And all sorts of drama ensues.

• You find out Maximilian died during the time skip and the three new guys (cute dude with glasses and a pair of twins) are his offspring. 
• Leo (dude with glasses) dies even though he and Alice were just starting to like each other.
• The twins have a fucked up past where Twin A raped Twin B's girlfriend. And when Twin B finds out, he thinks his girlfriend betrayed him and kills both her and his brother.
• The teacher's ex-jailbait lover comes back after two years and is convinced that Alice is his "dead" lover because she plays the piano the same way.
• Alice sleeps with her old lover.
• Dimitri throws a bitch fit and leaves to find the back-up girl whom he rescued from being raped to breed with (huh, quite a number of 'almost rape' scenarios in this manga).
• Alice and Dimitri both realize they love each other.

Can't have vampires without homo-sexual tension!

 I haven't read the ending yet but I can't believe I got this far. It's twenty six chapters of 'We're going to end up together but we're going to whittle your patience so thin you can see my middle finger from the other side'. It's interesting. Sure. Maybe because no one else has done it. I could almost compare such a feat to making portraits with toothpicks on pennies. Yeah, it's impressive. For a second. Then you think, someone has too much time on their hands.

I think my main issue with this manga is that the plot's all about the romance (yeah, what did I expect from a Shoujo). It's argue, argue, argue, quirky thing, holding hands, argue, oh we love each other. There are no plots where another vampire tries to steal Dimitri like Maximilian thought would happen or new vampires entering the nest (other than one chick who Leo knocks up with his vamp seed before he dies), or even a vampire slayer in sight. Nope, they're off in their little world. All compressed in their little mansion in the middle of Tokyo. And sometimes go to their cafe that Dimitri owns (one of the twins can bake, the other can cook).

"One is a rapist, the other's insane."

I've read quite a number of Mizoshiro Setona's works. Only four of them stuck out--this one, Black Rose Alice, After School Nightmare, The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese, and one featuring a chocolatier.

The chocolatier one wasn't that memorable to me. The main character is the 'mistress' in his relationship, and he becomes the best chocolatier ever because of that girl. (Thankfully, he realizes later on that it's his passion anyway so when she breaks up with him, he goes off to France to hone his craft.) Not my type of main character. And I'm not even going to touch After School Nightmare. That was a dip my brain in egg, bread crumb it, and fry it series. Concept--> Weird but okay. Ending--> The fuck?

It's like when Maximillion Pegasus had a laser beam battle with Bakura.

What I do recommend is a yaoi title. The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese and its sequel, The Carp on the Chopping Block Jumps Twice. The main characters in this series are so very believable. Like I can go to one of the male lead's house and physically punch him. Repeatedly. And yet, I still want to read more of his antics. If I hadn't put my tears on lockdown, I would have cried at the ending. Truly shows how finicky love is. You can't choose who you really love. It just tackles you down, ties you up with rope, and then you have to try to get up all the time while jumping through rings of fire. And you do it because you realize, and keep on reminding yourself that "Oh, I love this person."

Anyway, Black Rose Alice, very creative take on vampires, high school drama llama even though Dimitri's 128 years old (died when he was 26) and Alice is 28 (though she is in a 16 year old's body).

Just send me back to the French vampires. At least they take action when one of their own is killed. Seen below, Brad Pitt taking a scythe to strike down the vampires who killed his "daughter".

Fire background, guaranteed to make scenes 1000% cooler.

 Credits: Aerandria and MangaReader